And it is really a shitty week. Monday was fine, then woke up Tuesday morning, out of the blue, I just felt miserable. I used to think (and a lot of times, made other people think) that there might be no reasons at all, for us feeling sad or bad or miserable or unhappy. We have to feel that every once in a while because we can’t be happy all the time. That’s life.

I always tell my friends when this kind of thing happen to them, “It will go away, you can’t feel like this forever, you are going to feel better soon. Try not to think about it, think about something fun”. I have told myself too. But it is easier said than done. So I tried to figure out, what was it, really, that’s bothering me. I kept thinking and thinking and thinking. And finally I got it. Disappointment. It is all about disappointment

Anytime I feel sad, unhappy, miserable, lonely, or angry, all I really am is disappointed. Disappointed about work. Disappointed at colleagues. Disappointed at the boss. Disappointed at not getting acknowledged. Disappointed at friends. Disappointed that everybody ignores me. Disappointed that nobody understands me. Disappointed at the way I was treated. Disappointed at what I have done or said wrong. Disappointed at my own self. Etc. Etc. And the worst of all, disappointed at life.

Disappointment comes when things are different from what I want them be. I guess I have a couple of ways to control the disappointment. I can try harder, put more effort into making things be the way I wanted. Or I can just accept the fact that everything can’t be the way I wanted it to be, sometimes it is pleasant and content, sometimes it is disappointing. Or I can just try to expect less from life, expect less from other people, and expect less from myself.

I am not sure if this is really right, but I think it makes more sense to me now. I kinda see the way to get out of my present misery. I am going to try harder, I am going to do better, and I am going to feel better tomorrow. But if I can’t make it, I will feel better soon away. I can’t feel like this forever…can I?